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How to deal with a toxic family member without cutting them off entirely
01st May, 2026 10:27 AM
In Kenya, family is everything. From the moment you are old enough to understand, you are taught that family comes first.
You show up for harambee contributions, you attend every funeral, you sit through every Christmas gathering, and you smile even when one particular uncle or aunt makes it very hard to do so.
But what happens when a family member is genuinely toxic – someone who manipulates, belittles, gossips, or drains you emotionally every time you interact? Do you cut them off and deal with the fallout from the entire extended family? Or do you keep absorbing the damage to keep the peace?
There is a middle path, and more Kenyans are starting to find it.
Set boundaries without making it big announcement
The biggest mistake people make with difficult relatives is trying to have a formal “boundary conversation.” In most Kenyan families, that kind of directness is read as an attack, and it rarely ends well.
Instead, quietly change your behaviour. Stop sharing personal information with the cousin who always uses it against you. Arrive late to family gatherings so you spend less time in the same room as the person who triggers you. Keep your answers short and pleasant when they probe.
You do not owe anyone a detailed explanation for why you are protecting yourself.
Boundaries are not walls you build around others. They are decisions you make about your own life. You do not need permission to enforce them.
Protect your energy without cutting the cord
Limiting contact is not the same as cutting someone off. You can love a relative from a distance. You can attend family events and still leave early. You can answer their calls without picking up every single one.
The goal is to stop letting their behaviour set the tone for your mood. When you interact with them, go in with a plan. Keep conversations light and surface-level.
Avoid topics you know lead to arguments. And when the conversation starts to go sideways, it is perfectly fine to say, “I need to go, we will talk later,” and mean it.
If the toxicity is more serious, such as emotional abuse, financial manipulation, or behaviour that affects your mental health, consider speaking to a therapist or counsellor.
Managing a toxic family member is not about winning or losing. It is about deciding what kind of energy you allow into your life, even when that person shares your blood.
You can love someone, wish them well, and still choose not to let them wreck your peace.
