GBV: Reasons why women stay silent and shield their abusers
Domestic violence is often hidden and complicated. Many people wonder why someone would stay with or defend a partner who hurts them. The truth is that these situations are rarely simple.
It is a social crisis, wrapped in shame, power, and deep psychological bonds. Fear, emotional attachment, financial dependence, social pressure, and hope for change all play a role in why survivors sometimes protect their abusers or keep silent.
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A recent incident involving former Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko and his daughter offers a small glimpse into this reality. Reports showed that his daughter had experienced violence in her marriage, and during a confrontation between family members and her husband, she intervened to protect him.
Videos from the incident showed Sonko confronting the man, asking him why he would beat his daughter and reminding him of the support he had provided, including rent, a car, and school fees for the children.
Also watch: Geoffrey Mosiria urges GBV victims to leave their relationships and marriages
At one point, when one of Sonko’s security personnel slapped the husband, Salma jumped in and shouted, “Apana, wacha kupiga bwana yangu.”
Many women in abusive relationships feel compelled to protect their abuser due to emotional attachment, fear of escalation, financial dependence, and social pressure.
1. Trauma bonds and emotional dependence
One of the hardest things to explain is how an abused person can still feel connected to their abuser. Trauma bonding is a cycle of abuse, apology, and intermittent kindness that creates a strong and confusing emotional attachment.
When violence alternates with periods of affection or remorse, survivors may cling to the relationship, believing that change is possible or that the abuser’s good side is the real person.
Content creator Chebet Ronoh addressed this on her TikTok. She noted that the same way drug addicts cannot get off their addiction, or the same way people know certain foods are not healthy for them and still choose to indulge, is the same way a victim of domestic violence finds it hard to leave their abuser.
This bond can feel like addiction. Survivors may hope for change or hold on to the memory of better times. It is not a sign of weakness. Trauma changes how the brain interprets safety and trust.
2. Financial dependence and power imbalance
Money is a major factor in why survivors stay or defend their abuser. Financial support from a partner or their family can create leverage that makes leaving feel risky.
Also watch: Majority of GBV cases happen at home, says taskforce
For many women, leaving a relationship could mean facing poverty, losing custody of children, or becoming homeless. Economic dependence can trap survivors and make the cost of speaking out extremely high.
3. Shame and stigma
Social attitudes can make it very difficult for survivors to speak up. Many women fear being blamed for the abuse, judged harshly, or even ostracised by family and community. Cultural expectations often pressure them to keep family matters private, as if airing the truth would bring shame or dishonour.
Some women worry that authorities will not take them seriously or that reporting abuse will only make things worse.
There is also the fear of gossip, rumours, and social stigma, which can follow them for years. In this environment, staying quiet can feel like the safer choice, even when it means continuing to live with fear and pain.
Many women silently endure abuse because the cost of speaking out emotionally, socially, and sometimes financially feels too high.
4. Fear of escalation and retaliation
Violence does not always end when someone tries to leave. The period immediately after attempting to exit is often the most dangerous. Threats, intimidation, or further abuse can follow, which makes silence appear as a safer choice. Abusers may also deny or downplay their actions, causing survivors to doubt themselves or feel guilty for speaking out.
5. Familial pressure
Pressure from family, friends, or community can make women feel responsible for preserving the relationship. They may be urged to “keep the marriage together,” or warned that confronting abuse publicly will bring shame.
Even well-meaning relatives can sometimes discourage speaking out or leaving, which deepens isolation.
Many survivors stay because they hope the abuser might change. Leaving means abandoning not just the relationship but also shared dreams and identity. The emotional investment over time makes walking away feel like admitting failure.
Understanding why survivors shield abusers is crucial. Condemning them misses the point. Support must be practical, accessible, and nonjudgmental. This includes safe shelters, legal aid, counselling, and financial resources to regain independence.
Friends and family can help by listening without judgment, believing their stories, offering consistent support, and helping them plan for safety.
