Hi, Achokis. I am struggling with my husband. He doesn’t open up to me and I don’t know what is going on in his life. He has only done that three times in our seven years of marriage. The only time he is vulnerable is when he has taken alcohol. How do I get my husband to open up and be vulnerable with me.
– Liz
Thanks Liz for your question. Being open and vulnerable with each other is the hallmark of intimacy. We cannot be intimate with each other if we are not vulnerable. It’s just that simple!
One of the reasons a spouse will fail to open up to their significant other would be, if they once opened up and whatever they said was used against them. There are several things that happen in marriage that make us begin to close up. Maybe something he said was used against him, or he felt harshly criticised for a mistake he did, or maybe even didn’t feel empathised with. These things can make one unconsciously vow never to open up again.
The other reason might be about a past relational challenge. There’s a lot that your hubby may have been through that could be leading him to be that way. When he probably shared the virginity of his hearts and trust was broken. So he vowed never to share with others about his problems. Such people hide and barricade themselves for fear of being hurt or exposed again.You mentioned that he only talks when he has taken a drink. What does he say or or talk about? It is said that out of the heart the mouth speaks.
A third reason could be the way men are socialised. Most women will talk to another woman about what is bothering them, while men hardly do that. It is said that a real man does not show weakness and always tries to figure out on his own, why and what he is struggling with?
On your part, how safe are you for him? One way to get him to be vulnerable with you is catalysing it. What do I mean by this? Decide to intentionally become vulnerable with him. You can start by telling him things that happened to you or you did in the past that you are ashamed of or feared to talk about.
Secondly, you can encourage him by providing a safe space for him to be vulnerable with you. This you do by showing genuine interest in him, being more curious to know his inner world, and validating his feelings even though you don’t agree with him.
Thirdly is suggesting to him that you both go for therapy, not because he doesn’t open up, but because you want to improve your connection. Bring it up in a positive way that will make him want to come with you for therapy.
– The writers are marriage and relationship coaches
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