The toxic science of why we fall for unavailable people
By Dan Kauna, June 17, 2026It’s a common pattern in the modern dating scene. Someone meets a great potential partner, but as soon as things start getting serious, that person pulls away.
Instead of moving on, the attraction grows stronger, turning into a frustrating chase. While it feels like bad luck, psychology shows that this attraction to unavailable people is rarely accidental.
It often comes down to deep-seated habits formed early in life.
Childhood templates and the attachment loop
The tendency to chase distant partners is usually rooted in childhood experiences. When primary caregivers are emotionally inconsistent, a child learns to equate love with uncertainty and effort.
In adulthood, this creates an anxious attachment style, where emotional distance feels oddly familiar.
According to a 2017 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology, “Highly anxious individuals are heavily invested in their relationships, and they yearn to get closer to their partners emotionally to feel more secure.”
When a partner is physically or emotionally distant, it becomes very easy to idealise them. Without the daily realities of a normal relationship, a person can easily project their perfect fantasies onto someone who is barely there.
This cycle also affects brain chemistry. The unpredictable nature of an unavailable partner (occasional warmth followed by sudden silence) creates a chemical high. The brain treats the rare text message or phone call as a massive reward, making the emotional roller coaster highly addictive.
Breaking the cycle through internal work
Constantly choosing distant partners reveals an underlying need for internal healing. It is often a subconscious attempt to rewrite old scripts, hoping that someone who mirrors a cold childhood figure will finally change their mind and offer validation.
True relationship satisfaction, however, requires mutual effort. Secure partners are available to meet each other’s needs, providing comfort and reliable support.
Breaking this exhausting loop requires a conscious decision to value emotional consistency over high-drama chases. It starts with recognising that the intense anxiety felt during a chase is not a sign of true love, but a warning signal from the nervous system.
By learning to accept open communication and steady attention, individuals can train themselves to view available, supportive partners as attractive and safe, permanently ending the cycle.