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Some lipgloss perharps? Have Kenyan men forgotten the art of courtship?
15th May, 2026 02:46 PM
My friend recently confided in me that the man she has a crush on will not make a move on her despite the fact that he knows she likes him, and worse still, the feeling is mutual, but both of them are behaving like two people waiting for a bus that neither of them is willing to flag down.
And honestly, that one confession sounds funny until you realise it is not an isolated story anymore. It is becoming the quiet theme of modern dating, where attraction exists, interest exists, chemistry is obvious, but initiative has somehow gone missing like a stolen phone in a crowded matatu.
The age of waiting games in dating
There was a time when dating had a clearer script. One person showed interest, the other responded, and the effort usually leaned more on the side of pursuit. Today, that script seems to have been replaced with hesitation dressed up as “coolness” or “respecting boundaries” or worse still, fear of rejection.
Many men are no longer initiating conversations, planning dates, or clearly expressing interest. Instead, they hover. They react to stories, they send vague messages at odd hours, they maintain just enough presence to stay in someone’s orbit, but not enough courage to actually move things forward. It is like emotional buffering, always loading but never playing.
And let us be honest, this is not always wisdom. Sometimes it is simply avoiding wearing expensive cologne.
Why men are pulling back from initiating
There is a growing shift in how men behave in dating spaces, and it is not happening in a vacuum. Studies and modern dating reports suggest that many men feel exhausted by rejection, confused by mixed signals, and overwhelmed by changing expectations in dating culture, where one wrong move can be labelled as creepy, desperate, or uninterested depending on the mood of the day.
So instead of risking embarrassment, many choose the safest emotional option, which is to do nothing. They convince themselves that “if she likes me, she will come closer,” turning dating into a silent negotiation where both sides are overthinking and underacting.
But here is the uncomfortable truth. Attraction does not usually reward passivity. Interest does not magically turn into relationships without action. What it often produces instead is two people who like each other deeply but end up dating their own assumptions instead of each other.
When confidence gets replaced with convenience
There is also a modern comfort problem. Technology has made communication so easy that effort now feels optional. A man can stay in your life for weeks without ever planning a real interaction, simply by reacting to your online presence like a spectator in your personal highlight reel.
This creates a strange illusion of connection. It feels like something is happening, but in reality, nothing is moving. No plans are made, no clarity is given, no direction is taken. Just emotional maintenance without emotional investment.
At some point, this stops being shyness and starts looking like convenience. He is not necessarily afraid of you. He is just comfortable watching from a distance where he does not risk anything.
The emotional cost of non-initiative
The real damage of this behaviour is not just missed dates. It is confusion. People start questioning obvious interest, doubting obvious signals, and overanalysing simple interactions. A situation that could have been a straightforward yes or no turns into weeks or months of mental gymnastics.
Women are left guessing. Men are left hoping without committing. And both sides end up frustrated while pretending they are “just going with the flow.”
But flow without direction is just drifting.
The honest truth nobody wants to say
Here is the uncomfortable but necessary reality. Many men today are not incapable of initiating. They are simply selectively inactive. If the interest feels low risk, they might act. If it requires clarity, effort, or emotional bravery, they retreat into silence and call it maturity.
That is not emotional intelligence. That is emotional outsourcing.
Because at the end of the day, mutual interest is not enough. Someone still has to move first. Someone still has to turn chemistry into action. And when both people are waiting to be chosen, nobody actually gets chosen.
Modern dating is not suffering from lack of interest. It is suffering from lack of courage. Everyone wants connection, but fewer people are willing to risk awkwardness to get it. So we end up with a generation of almost relationships, almost confessions, almost love stories that never fully begin.
And maybe that is the real irony. People say dating is harder now, but often it is not harder.
